Desperation Mode

With precious few players under contract for next season, Bob Gainey was forced into making several splashes in the free agent pool.  It's obviously too early to tell what kind of impact the players he signed will have, but in my opinion, I think this is an example of a desperate general manager who has found a way to re-direct the blame if things go sour again in 09-10.  

The Canadiens had a disappointing campaign this year - one that was supposed to celebratory as the team enjoyed it's 100th anniversary.  Not only did they under-achieve (relative to expectation) on the ice, but they were swarmed by controversy off it.  In the end, much of the blame fell on Bob Gainey.  Now, having parted ways with longtime captain Saku Koivu and several other players, and replacing them with big-name, high-priced talent like Scott Gomez, Mike Cammalleri, Brian Gionta, and Jaroslav Spacek, the blame will likely fall on these and any other new players if things don't get better in October.

Over $100 million dollars has been invested in the new guys, a list that also includes former Leaf and recent Stanley Cup winner Hal Gill.  Are they worth it?  Probably not.  Spacek fills a glaring need on the PP (which was hit hard by the departure of Sheldon Souray, and then Mark Streit a year later) but his best defensive years are behind him.  Gill will not get the kind of goaltending behind him in Montreal that he had in Pittsburgh and Toronto to cover up for the mistakes he frequently makes due to his lack of speed.  Up front, Scott Gomez might care less about winning than any other player since he signed his whopping contract a few years ago.  Cammalleri and Gionta will score, but will it be enough?  And will their scoring continue if Montreal qualifies for the post-season?  Furthermore, the knock on Montreal for the past several years has been their lack of size.  This trio of forwards might not be able to meet the height restrictions on some of the rides at Canada's Wonderland.

The Habs are in for another tough year.  What's worse is that this one will cost them more.  Good timing Molson brothers.

Heat

I've publicly criticized Dany Heatley for many things - his attitude, his effort, his demeanor, and more specifically, his most recent playoff performance.  There's also the Dan Snyder tragedy, which doesn't speak to his capabilities as a hockey player, but as a human being, and I think it's an incident that will forever call his character to question.  His latest antics (demanding a trade less than a year after signing a lucrative contract extension only to quash the only good offer the Senators received for him) have left an even worse taste in my mouth.  If he wasn't happy under the new coaching regime in Ottawa - one that makes him accountable for his inconsistent play - that's fine.  But don't go public with it, you owe the organization and its fans at least that much.  Once you come out and say you want to be traded, you don't exactly put your GM in an advantageous bargaining position.  

Miraculously, Bryan Murray managed to negotiate himself a pretty decent offer.  I think the Senators would be a better team tomorrow if they dressed Andrew Cogliano, Dustin Penner, and Ladislav Smid instead of Dany Heatley.  The trio offered up by Oilers' GM Kevin Lowe helps Ottawa in several areas of need.  So, Heatley wants out... but apparently he's not going to Edmonton.  I guess beggars can in fact be choosers.

At the end of the day, Heatley's actions have hand-cuffed his current team, disappointed the fans of two Canadian teams, and embarrassed three NHL players, who now have the awkward task of walking back in to Rexall Place and moving forward as though Lowe never tried to trade them.  It's time that the NHL look to the NFL-model of allowing for contracts that aren't guaranteed to avoid problems like this in the future.  Everyone effected by this saga, except he who set it all in motion, deserves better.

Movie Wordplay

Movie studios know sports movies are cash cows.  They are relatively cheap to produce, and typically draw a big crowd.  In light of my desire to get into the movie business, I thought I'd draft some screenplays based on what has transpired in this year's playoffs.  With creativity being at a premium these days, all of the films I'm pitching are remakes of some oldies and some goodies.  Luckily, some of the original stars have agreed to come back for more.

Here are a look at some of the titles I'm giving an overhaul for a new generation...

Anger Management

Starring: Milan Lucic and Jack Nicholson

Premise:  Nicholson tries to help Lucic find inner peace while keeping his stick and elbow down.

Better Off Dead

Starring: John Cusack and the Columbus BlueJackets

Premise: The BlueJackets realize that death is more appealing than playing the Red Wings.

Black Hawk Down

Starring: Patrick Kane and Josh Hartnett

Premise: Kane has a bad case of the flu and might miss game 4.  Hartnett risks everything to make sure that doesn't happen.  Nobody asks to be a hero, it just sometimes turns out that way.

Bringing Down the House

Starring: Blackhawks fans and Queen Latifah.

Premise: Danger ensues at the United Center where the loudest fans in the league cause a partial collapse in the structure of the building.  Luckily, most of the rubble lands on Queen.  This one's not really a comedy.  Or is it?

A Bronx Tale

Starring: The New York Rangers, the Washington Capitals and Robert de Niro

Premise: The hard-working, blue-collar Rangers overcome the rich, slick, and powerful Capitals.  Robert de Niro plays Dan Girardi's bus-driving father, and operates the team bus.

Clueless

Starring: Barrett Jackman and Alicia Silverstone

Premise: Jackman is completely lost playing defence for the Blues.  Silverstone takes him shopping for speed and awareness.

Crash

Starring: Tuomo Ruutu and the New Jersey Devils

Premise: Ruutu finds himself constantly bumping into the Devils.  Calamity ensues.

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Starring: Dan Carcillo and Mike Cammalleri

Premise: Woody Allen directs as we look at two men who commit the same act, and inexplicably face vastly different consequences.

A Few Good Men

Starring: The Calgary Flames and Tom Cruise

Premise: A trio of Calgary's best are facing punishment from the league.  It's up to Tom to save them, and all he has to do is convince the judge the Flames' were acting under orders.

A Fistful of Dollars

Starring: Martin Havlat and Hawks' GM Dale Tallon

Premise: Tallon has no choice but to re-sign Havlat this summer, and for big time money.   Clint Eastwood has a cameo as the Zamboni driver, dressed appropriately in his poncho.

The Great Escape

Starring: The Vancouver Canucks and the guys who open the door in the penalty box.

Premise: Somehow, the Canucks escape the penalty box, practically unscathed.   Unfortunately, when they go back there in round 2, they are killed pretty quickly.

Heist

Starring: Henrik Lundqvist and Gene Hackman

Premise: The King of New York steals game after game, and in the end, Gene Hackman outsmarts everyone.

In Good Company

Starring: Michael Ryder, David Krejci, and Blake Wheeler

Premise: After years of wandering aimlessly through life, and the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Michael Ryder figures it all out.

I Spy

Starring: Alex Ovechkin, John Tortorella, and Eddie Murphy.

Premise: Ovechkin stakes out the Rangers' practice.  Murphy stars, by his own request, because he has nothing better to do these days.

Keeping the Faith

Starring: Sharks fans.

Premise: There's still hope.

Kicking and Screaming

Starring: Martin Brodeur and Jussi Jokinen

Premise: Brodeur flips out after a totally legitimate goal.  Sticks and the hearts of poor little Devils fans are broken, as Carolina gains all kinds of momentum.

Men With Brooms

Starring: The Boston Bruins and the Vancouver Canucks

Premise: Four games is all it took them.

Missing In Action

Starring: Joe Thornton and Chuck Norris

Premise: It's the beginning of the playoffs and Joe Thornton is nowhere to be found.  In a T2-esque role reversal, Norris is sent to look for him.

Missing In Action 2

Starring: Joe Thornton and Chuck Norris

Premise: The playoffs continue, and Thornton is once again absent.  Norris is back, although this time a little more reluctantly. 

Mission: Impossible

Starring: The Detroit Red Wings, whatever team they're playing, and Tom Cruise (playing Marian Hossa, without the accent)

Premise: Teams are consistently dominated by the Wings.  Hossa (Tom Cruise), while hanging from the ceiling, tries to infiltrate their defence, but sets off the alarm, at which point he explodes through a wall and jumps out a window, doing a flip before opening his parachute.  When he lands, he decides to leave IMF and join the unstoppable Red Wings, because Tom Cruise always wins.

Ordinary People

Starring: Bob Mackenzie and Darren Dreger with cameos by the entire NHL on TSN panel.

Premise: A bunch of regular, middle aged guys masquerade as "hockey insiders" and make bold statements and predictions about hockey and life.  As if they know what they're talking about. 

Raw Deal

Starring: Sean Avery and every referee in the NHL

Premise: No matter what he does, Sean Avery gets screwed, but perseveres in the end.

Shooter

Starring: Alex Ovechkin

Premise: There's going to be more shooting, people are going to get scored on.  He didn't start it, but he means to see it through.

Snakes on a Plane

Starring: Gary Bettman, Bill Daly and their staff

Premise: A look at the commissioner and his travels across the continent.

There Will Be Blood

Starring: The Penguins and Flyers

Premise: These two teams beat on each other for 120 minutes.