Movie studios know sports movies are cash cows. They are relatively cheap to produce, and typically draw a big crowd. In light of my desire to get into the movie business, I thought I'd draft some screenplays based on what has transpired in this year's playoffs. With creativity being at a premium these days, all of the films I'm pitching are remakes of some oldies and some goodies. Luckily, some of the original stars have agreed to come back for more.
Here are a look at some of the titles I'm giving an overhaul for a new generation...
Anger Management
Starring: Milan Lucic and Jack Nicholson
Premise: Nicholson tries to help Lucic find inner peace while keeping his stick and elbow down.
Better Off Dead
Starring: John Cusack and the Columbus BlueJackets
Premise: The BlueJackets realize that death is more appealing than playing the Red Wings.
Black Hawk Down
Starring: Patrick Kane and Josh Hartnett
Premise: Kane has a bad case of the flu and might miss game 4. Hartnett risks everything to make sure that doesn't happen. Nobody asks to be a hero, it just sometimes turns out that way.
Bringing Down the House
Starring: Blackhawks fans and Queen Latifah.
Premise: Danger ensues at the United Center where the loudest fans in the league cause a partial collapse in the structure of the building. Luckily, most of the rubble lands on Queen. This one's not really a comedy. Or is it?
A Bronx Tale
Starring: The New York Rangers, the Washington Capitals and Robert de Niro
Premise: The hard-working, blue-collar Rangers overcome the rich, slick, and powerful Capitals. Robert de Niro plays Dan Girardi's bus-driving father, and operates the team bus.
Clueless
Starring: Barrett Jackman and Alicia Silverstone
Premise: Jackman is completely lost playing defence for the Blues. Silverstone takes him shopping for speed and awareness.
Crash
Starring: Tuomo Ruutu and the New Jersey Devils
Premise: Ruutu finds himself constantly bumping into the Devils. Calamity ensues.
Crimes and Misdemeanors
Starring: Dan Carcillo and Mike Cammalleri
Premise: Woody Allen directs as we look at two men who commit the same act, and inexplicably face vastly different consequences.
A Few Good Men
Starring: The Calgary Flames and Tom Cruise
Premise: A trio of Calgary's best are facing punishment from the league. It's up to Tom to save them, and all he has to do is convince the judge the Flames' were acting under orders.
A Fistful of Dollars
Starring: Martin Havlat and Hawks' GM Dale Tallon
Premise: Tallon has no choice but to re-sign Havlat this summer, and for big time money. Clint Eastwood has a cameo as the Zamboni driver, dressed appropriately in his poncho.
The Great Escape
Starring: The Vancouver Canucks and the guys who open the door in the penalty box.
Premise: Somehow, the Canucks escape the penalty box, practically unscathed. Unfortunately, when they go back there in round 2, they are killed pretty quickly.
Heist
Starring: Henrik Lundqvist and Gene Hackman
Premise: The King of New York steals game after game, and in the end, Gene Hackman outsmarts everyone.
In Good Company
Starring: Michael Ryder, David Krejci, and Blake Wheeler
Premise: After years of wandering aimlessly through life, and the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Michael Ryder figures it all out.
I Spy
Starring: Alex Ovechkin, John Tortorella, and Eddie Murphy.
Premise: Ovechkin stakes out the Rangers' practice. Murphy stars, by his own request, because he has nothing better to do these days.
Keeping the Faith
Starring: Sharks fans.
Premise: There's still hope.
Kicking and Screaming
Starring: Martin Brodeur and Jussi Jokinen
Premise: Brodeur flips out after a totally legitimate goal. Sticks and the hearts of poor little Devils fans are broken, as Carolina gains all kinds of momentum.
Men With Brooms
Starring: The Boston Bruins and the Vancouver Canucks
Premise: Four games is all it took them.
Missing In Action
Starring: Joe Thornton and Chuck Norris
Premise: It's the beginning of the playoffs and Joe Thornton is nowhere to be found. In a T2-esque role reversal, Norris is sent to look for him.
Missing In Action 2
Starring: Joe Thornton and Chuck Norris
Premise: The playoffs continue, and Thornton is once again absent. Norris is back, although this time a little more reluctantly.
Mission: Impossible
Starring: The Detroit Red Wings, whatever team they're playing, and Tom Cruise (playing Marian Hossa, without the accent)
Premise: Teams are consistently dominated by the Wings. Hossa (Tom Cruise), while hanging from the ceiling, tries to infiltrate their defence, but sets off the alarm, at which point he explodes through a wall and jumps out a window, doing a flip before opening his parachute. When he lands, he decides to leave IMF and join the unstoppable Red Wings, because Tom Cruise always wins.
Ordinary People
Starring: Bob Mackenzie and Darren Dreger with cameos by the entire NHL on TSN panel.
Premise: A bunch of regular, middle aged guys masquerade as "hockey insiders" and make bold statements and predictions about hockey and life. As if they know what they're talking about.
Raw Deal
Starring: Sean Avery and every referee in the NHL
Premise: No matter what he does, Sean Avery gets screwed, but perseveres in the end.
Shooter
Starring: Alex Ovechkin
Premise: There's going to be more shooting, people are going to get scored on. He didn't start it, but he means to see it through.
Snakes on a Plane
Starring: Gary Bettman, Bill Daly and their staff
Premise: A look at the commissioner and his travels across the continent.
There Will Be Blood
Starring: The Penguins and Flyers
Premise: These two teams beat on each other for 120 minutes.
1 comment:
ur an idiot
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