Movie Wordplay

Movie studios know sports movies are cash cows.  They are relatively cheap to produce, and typically draw a big crowd.  In light of my desire to get into the movie business, I thought I'd draft some screenplays based on what has transpired in this year's playoffs.  With creativity being at a premium these days, all of the films I'm pitching are remakes of some oldies and some goodies.  Luckily, some of the original stars have agreed to come back for more.

Here are a look at some of the titles I'm giving an overhaul for a new generation...

Anger Management

Starring: Milan Lucic and Jack Nicholson

Premise:  Nicholson tries to help Lucic find inner peace while keeping his stick and elbow down.

Better Off Dead

Starring: John Cusack and the Columbus BlueJackets

Premise: The BlueJackets realize that death is more appealing than playing the Red Wings.

Black Hawk Down

Starring: Patrick Kane and Josh Hartnett

Premise: Kane has a bad case of the flu and might miss game 4.  Hartnett risks everything to make sure that doesn't happen.  Nobody asks to be a hero, it just sometimes turns out that way.

Bringing Down the House

Starring: Blackhawks fans and Queen Latifah.

Premise: Danger ensues at the United Center where the loudest fans in the league cause a partial collapse in the structure of the building.  Luckily, most of the rubble lands on Queen.  This one's not really a comedy.  Or is it?

A Bronx Tale

Starring: The New York Rangers, the Washington Capitals and Robert de Niro

Premise: The hard-working, blue-collar Rangers overcome the rich, slick, and powerful Capitals.  Robert de Niro plays Dan Girardi's bus-driving father, and operates the team bus.

Clueless

Starring: Barrett Jackman and Alicia Silverstone

Premise: Jackman is completely lost playing defence for the Blues.  Silverstone takes him shopping for speed and awareness.

Crash

Starring: Tuomo Ruutu and the New Jersey Devils

Premise: Ruutu finds himself constantly bumping into the Devils.  Calamity ensues.

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Starring: Dan Carcillo and Mike Cammalleri

Premise: Woody Allen directs as we look at two men who commit the same act, and inexplicably face vastly different consequences.

A Few Good Men

Starring: The Calgary Flames and Tom Cruise

Premise: A trio of Calgary's best are facing punishment from the league.  It's up to Tom to save them, and all he has to do is convince the judge the Flames' were acting under orders.

A Fistful of Dollars

Starring: Martin Havlat and Hawks' GM Dale Tallon

Premise: Tallon has no choice but to re-sign Havlat this summer, and for big time money.   Clint Eastwood has a cameo as the Zamboni driver, dressed appropriately in his poncho.

The Great Escape

Starring: The Vancouver Canucks and the guys who open the door in the penalty box.

Premise: Somehow, the Canucks escape the penalty box, practically unscathed.   Unfortunately, when they go back there in round 2, they are killed pretty quickly.

Heist

Starring: Henrik Lundqvist and Gene Hackman

Premise: The King of New York steals game after game, and in the end, Gene Hackman outsmarts everyone.

In Good Company

Starring: Michael Ryder, David Krejci, and Blake Wheeler

Premise: After years of wandering aimlessly through life, and the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Michael Ryder figures it all out.

I Spy

Starring: Alex Ovechkin, John Tortorella, and Eddie Murphy.

Premise: Ovechkin stakes out the Rangers' practice.  Murphy stars, by his own request, because he has nothing better to do these days.

Keeping the Faith

Starring: Sharks fans.

Premise: There's still hope.

Kicking and Screaming

Starring: Martin Brodeur and Jussi Jokinen

Premise: Brodeur flips out after a totally legitimate goal.  Sticks and the hearts of poor little Devils fans are broken, as Carolina gains all kinds of momentum.

Men With Brooms

Starring: The Boston Bruins and the Vancouver Canucks

Premise: Four games is all it took them.

Missing In Action

Starring: Joe Thornton and Chuck Norris

Premise: It's the beginning of the playoffs and Joe Thornton is nowhere to be found.  In a T2-esque role reversal, Norris is sent to look for him.

Missing In Action 2

Starring: Joe Thornton and Chuck Norris

Premise: The playoffs continue, and Thornton is once again absent.  Norris is back, although this time a little more reluctantly. 

Mission: Impossible

Starring: The Detroit Red Wings, whatever team they're playing, and Tom Cruise (playing Marian Hossa, without the accent)

Premise: Teams are consistently dominated by the Wings.  Hossa (Tom Cruise), while hanging from the ceiling, tries to infiltrate their defence, but sets off the alarm, at which point he explodes through a wall and jumps out a window, doing a flip before opening his parachute.  When he lands, he decides to leave IMF and join the unstoppable Red Wings, because Tom Cruise always wins.

Ordinary People

Starring: Bob Mackenzie and Darren Dreger with cameos by the entire NHL on TSN panel.

Premise: A bunch of regular, middle aged guys masquerade as "hockey insiders" and make bold statements and predictions about hockey and life.  As if they know what they're talking about. 

Raw Deal

Starring: Sean Avery and every referee in the NHL

Premise: No matter what he does, Sean Avery gets screwed, but perseveres in the end.

Shooter

Starring: Alex Ovechkin

Premise: There's going to be more shooting, people are going to get scored on.  He didn't start it, but he means to see it through.

Snakes on a Plane

Starring: Gary Bettman, Bill Daly and their staff

Premise: A look at the commissioner and his travels across the continent.

There Will Be Blood

Starring: The Penguins and Flyers

Premise: These two teams beat on each other for 120 minutes.

Capital Conspiracy

Alexander Ovechkin will try anything.  This morning he found himself on the sidelines of Madison Square Garden, looking on as the Rangers practiced.  I'm not sure what he hoped to gather from this spy session, but in any event, he was asked to leave, and John Tortorella wasn't too thrilled about the whole thing.  So, did Ovechkin figure out all that he needed in his time there to turn this series around? No.  Does it matter. No.  This thing wasn't over anyway.

New York won two games in a row to start the series, both by a goal, and both because Henrik Lundqvist stole the show.  Don't get me wrong, a hot goalie can win you a series, and there's no one out there better than "The King", but Washington has been firing on all cylinders, and they will be doing so for the rest of the series, whether it be four or five more games in length.  What is certain - because I stick to my guns, the way Washington does there's - is that New York can't sustain this success, and they will ultimately suffer an unappealing fate at the hands of the most exciting team in hockey.  

Before the series began, no one with any bit of sanity gave New York a chance, and on Saturday night when asked if Washington had any chance of overcoming the 0-2 deficit, the entire TSN panel responded with a resounding "no".  The media can turn on you pretty quickly.  Or maybe they just have their feet stuck in their overworked mouths.  The fans can also turn on you pretty quickly too.

The very same people who went on and on about how good Ovechkin was, and how hard he played, have filled blogs and message boards with striking blows to his character and heart.  I've seen the words selfish and lazy used to describe the man who for the balance of the season has outworked, outhit, and outplayed his opponent every shift he was on the ice.  Ovechkin hasn't gone soft over the course of two games people.  Get your heads on straight.  This guy has 19 shots on goal, and 17 hits in the first two games.  He's giving it everything he has, and just hasn't gotten any results... yet.  

Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down: Day 3

Sorry Dave Hodge, I'm borrowing your segment.  It's just so catchy!

I don't usually like to start off with a negative attitude, but thumbs down to Colin Campbell for not suspending Mike Cammalleri.  His wallop to the head of Martin Havlat was pre-meditated, violent, and dangerous.  It was away from the puck, and even before the whistle.  It was not a hockey play, and he should've been reprimanded by the league.  Especially when you consider that just a day before, Flyers' pest Daniel Carcillo was suspended one game for doing essentially the same thing.

Conversely, thumbs up to Martin Havlat.  Not necessarily for his two-goal performance, which tied and won the game for Chicago in the aftermath of the Cammalleri incident, but for the way he conducted himself when questioned about the elbow.  This afternoon on HockeyCentral, Havlat didn't whine or complain or make accusations about the Flames' winger, he simply attributed the conduct to the competitive nature of athletes during the playoffs.  

Thumbs up to the Canes' Tuomo Ruutu.  Every year in the playoffs, certain players have a coming out party.  While Ruutu made a name for himself at the last World Cup of Hockey, he has sort of fallen off the radar since then, but he had a terrific regular season playing with Eric Staal, and his solid play has continued into the playoffs.  Not only is he dangerous offensively, but if you're playing against him and have your head down, you may not have a head at the end of your shift.

An extra thumb, pointed upward, to Marc-Andre Fleury, who just made an unbelievable save to preserve an opportunity for the Penguins to win game two.

Top 10 Signs it's the Playoffs

10. Teams are getting way too many power plays, especially those that the league has an economic interest in seeing win (I'm looking at you Columbus).

9. Montreal is giving Boston a hard time.

8. Joe Thornton has officially packed it in for the year.  No I'm not being overly harsh.  Yes it's been just one game so far this year, but his poor post-season play extends back into eternity.

7.   Chris Osgood is playing awesome.  He made a world-class save in the first minute of game one, and the team never looked back.

6. Players are hitting each other - hard.

5. Mark Recchi is playing, but not for the team he started the season with.

4. Jay Bouwmeester is not playing.

3. Martin Havlat is scoring all the time.  Don't get me wrong, this guy had a great regular season, but he always seems to elevate to a new level in the Spring.

2. The play-by-play announcers have seemingly nothing to talk about other than line match-ups and the importance of face-offs.

1. I'm in my house from 7pm to 1am every night watching hockey.

Playoff Predictions

For those of you who follow this blog, you'll have noticed an elongated period of inactivity.  My apologies.  I'm in the middle of my final exam period, which sees me writing 6 exams over 11 days, each worth 100% of my grade.  On top of that, I run an annual NHL Playoff Pool, which involves quite a bit of organizational busy work.

Anyhow, I'm a couple days late in posting them, but here are my predictions for the first round.  I did make them prior to the commencement of each series.  Note, I'm not off to a very hot start.

BOSTON IN 5

WASHINGTON IN 6

CAROLINA IN 7

PITTSBURGH IN 7

SAN JOSE IN 6

DETROIT IN 5

ST. LOUIS IN 6

CHICAGO IN 7

Part of me wanted to pick other teams, like New Jersey and Calgary.  In fact, I think you could formulate an argument for any team winning their match-up (except Columbus, they have no chance).

So who do I think will be around long-term?  My philosophy is you have to be bold.  It's rare to see all the top seeds advance to the final four, so why bother, like so many analysts have this week, picking San Jose, Boston, Detroit, and Washington?

Before I get my foot stuck in my mouth, I should say I do believe Detroit and Washington will make it to the third round.  The teams joining them - my money (but not very much of it) is on Carolina and St. Louis.

Beyond that, I have a hard time imagining anybody beating the Detroit Red Wings.  It will also make for a nice story, given the whole Marian Hossa situation.  He's a noble man on a honorable mission.  And he's a heck of a hockey player.  

Perhaps I'm a year late, but they're just so dangerous offensively and so good in their own zone, I don't think the other elite teams in the league can match their talent or work ethic.  Making a pick like this is kind of like under-dressing the day after an unseasonably warm afternoon.  Let's hope it stays warm out there...

Curious Coaching

With their teams right in the thick of the most competitive playoff race in years, Edmonton's Craig MacTavish and Minnesota's Jaques Lemaire have been making numerous puzzling choices in terms of player personnel and ice time recently. I want to highlight a couple of the decisions I found particularly disturbing.

On Sunday, the aforementioned teams were playing each other. The Oilers were behind by two goals in the third period. Who might one expect to see on the ice, and on the ice a lot? Perhaps Ales Hemsky, Andrew Cogliano, Shawn Horcoff, Ales Kotalik. You know, people who can score. People who can create offence. Instead, for at least four shifts during what in retrospect might be one of the most important periods of the Oilers season, we all got experience the joys of watching fourth-line players fail miserably at generating any kind of attack while skill players wasted away on the bench. Now, I am baffled enough with the fact that "Mac T", as they call him, continues to lean towards spreading out his ice time, but the fact that he chose to stick to his strategy under such circumstances was beyond my comprehension. This isn't Minor Pewee House League in Newmarket, Ontario. This is the National Hockey League. Your best players are your best players - so you have to win with them or lose with them. By that I mean, it is the coach's responsibility to at least TRY to win with them. I think this team has underperformed this season. On paper, they should have been able to compete with Calgary and Vancouver, especially when you factor in the world-class goaltending they've received from the ageless Dwaybe Roloson. As a Ranger fan, I'm the last person to point the finger at a coach, but it this case, I think it is the only fair place to be pointing.

I'll take a less harsh stance against Jaques Lemaire, because his record speaks for itself. But he made a curious decision tonight against Vancouver that left me scratching my head. And I'm sure the fans in Minnesota aren't too thrilled either. The game was heading into overtime, and the Wild were starting the extra frame on the power play. In fact, they were set to have over a minute of 4-on-3. Now, given what you know about Minnesota's roster, who might be the first person you send onto the ice under such circumstances? There is one, and only one correct answer. It starts and ends with Marian Gaborik. He's one of the most dangerous offensive weapons in the league, and since returning from injury he has been on fire. In addition to that, he traditionally does very well against the Canucks (remember the '03 playoffs?). And oh yeah, he scored Minnesota's only goal in the third period tonight. Lemaire, for whatever reason, elected to throw Andrew Brunette out there with Mikko Koivu instead. Nothing against Brunette, he's always been a capable scorer, but c'mon, you absolutely have to go with Gaborik. Why? Same reason Mac T shouldn't have had Stortini, Jaques, and Brodziak running around on Sunday. To make it even worse, Brunette had four, count 'em, FOUR chances to one-time the puck onto the net and/or walk the puck into the crease area. He failed each time. I'm not guaranteeing Gaborik would've scored, but the odds suggest he may have performed more admirably than the others on the ice. I hope Minnesota doesn't miss the playoffs by a single point...

Central Time: Mason vs. Rinne

For years the Central division has been a feasting ground for teams looking to scoop up easy points.  The Columbus BlueJackets have never made the playoffs, Nashville went through a similar stretch upon their inception into the league, and St. Louis and Chicago have had some miserable seasons since the dawn of the new millennium.  Detroit is the only team in the bunch that has been consistently excellent.  The tides have certainly turned this year.  Prior to action tonight, all five teams in the division occupied Western Conference playoff spots.  Whether they are all still there come April 13th is indeterminable, but it is an intriguing possibility.  Detroit's success has long been achieved through the employment of capable scouts and their subsequent drafting of excellent young players.  After years of failure, the other teams in their division are beginning to reap the benefits of having solid drafts - this should be the focus for the next few seasons for teams in peril, such as Colorado, Atlanta, and Toronto.

- In Columbus, much of the credit has been bestowed upon rookie goaltending sensation Steve Mason, and he deserves the accolades.  There is endless talk about him garnering league MVP consideration and just yesterday I read an article which all but guaranteed he would be representing Canada at the Olympics next winter.  Oddly enough, nowhere have I read that Pekka Rinne will be nominated alongside Mason for the Hart Trophy.  Rinne is also absent from Finland's projected Olympic roster.  Now I know nobody except Taylor Swift (I do love those commercials) and Vince Gill go to hockey games in Nashville, but somebody out there has to be starting a campaign for this guy.  Maybe that guy should be me. 

For arguments sake, and we all know I love a good argument, what if I were to suggest to you Nashville's rookie goaltender, Pekka Rinne, is actually MORE valuable to his team?  You can go about this one of two ways.  First, you can look at the numbers.

Mason has 32 wins and 23 losses (9 games over .500).  His goals against average is 2.22 and his save percentage is .918.  He also has 10 shutouts.  Pretty amazing stuff.  Believe me I know, because every time you turn a Canadian sports program on, the analysts all remind us.

But what of the mysterious Pekka Rinne?

He has 27 wins and 16 losses (11 games over .500).  His goals against average is 2.25 and his save percentage is .922.  He has 7 shutouts.  Equally amazing stuff right? They both win two categories.  I disagree, it is more amazing.  

Why is that?  Go ahead and try and name more than six forwards that suited up for the Predators tonight.  I'll tell you who didn't - Erat, Arnott, and Legwand.  Those are three of their top four forwards.  The other is J.P Dumont, and he left the game with an injury.  These guys have all missed some time this year, which hurts Nashville, but even when they are all in the lineup, the Predators roster is no match, on paper, in contrast to a healthy BlueJackets team.  Nashville, given their overall talent level, has no business whatsoever being involved in the playoff race.  Don't get me wrong, I love Radek Bonk, but the biggest reason they are still in the hunt,without question, is the monsterously dominant and criminally under-appreciated play of Pekka Rinne.

I don't know which, or how many, teams from the Central division will end up qualifying for the playoffs beyond Detroit and Chicago.  However, if Nashville does get in and you're standing in a room full of people who are voting Mason for MVP (believe me, they're out there), how about making them aware of guy they should be voting for instead.